On keeping friends
I am not a good multitasker. In fact, I’m terrible at it, I may be the worst multitasker ever. The problem is, I think I’m good at it. I think I’m so good that I take on extra work, extra hobbies, and extra projects because I have no doubt that I will be brilliant at everything. But I’m not. I’m not talking about little multitasking jobs, those I can do. Watch TV and unload the dishwasher? Sure. Fold laundry while calling out spelling words for the girls? You bet. I’m talking about the big stuff, the extra effort stuff. Such as, work from home 30 hours a week and keep the bathrooms clean? Too hard. Or how about take on a huge writing (or sewing) project and still maintain my personal relationships? Risky. Unfortunately, when I feel buried, the first thing to go is usually my relationships with friends. When I’m busy I tend to hibernate – the blinds are down, the doors are locked, the phone goes to voice mail, and I’m slow to return email. It used to be that my relationship with my girls and husband took a hit too, but I have been working really hard to fix that. I’m trying to be more realistic about what I can and can’t do and be more aware about how long I’ve actually been working on something in comparison to how long I’ve spent interacting with them. I’m also trying to manage my time better so that I can do most of my work while they are away and we can have more together time when they’re home. This has been a battle but I think I’m making (slow) progress. So the family connections have improved, but the problem of friendships remains. I don’t have very many friends, I never have. This used to bother me quite a lot and led to many hours of wondering what was wrong with me and why didn’t people like me? Then one day I realized that I like it this way, I make it this way. I am a solitary person and a bit of a loner. I like spending time alone and I don’t mind that I’m not the belle of the neighborhood moms. Part of this is because I hate talking on the phone. I absolutely loathe talking on the phone, as people who know me will attest. I’ve decided that I must get an unusually large proportion of feedback from nonverbal communication so when I’m on the phone, I’m at a distinct disadvantage and I’m uncomfortable. The other aspect is that I’ve never been very good at small talk. I hate it, I think it’s a time waster and a bother. I’m perfectly content to stand stone silent while a cashier rings up my groceries, with only a simple hello and thank you to mark our verbal exchange. I’m uncomfortable when a stranger starts chatting with me for no reason. I dread getting my hair done because the prospect of 45 minutes or more of small talk looms largely in my mind. So when I’m on the phone, I say what I called to say (or expect the other person to say what they called to say) and I’m done. Quick, fast, painless. Casual friendships usually involve lots of phone chatting and I’m not the type of person who can do the “Hey, I called to see how you’re doing so let’s chat for two hours,” kind of conversation. Inevitably I make a new friend and they’ll start calling every couple of days to chat while I grind my teeth in frustration because we are talking (again!) about how the washer overflowed or their child tracked in mud while I have other stuff that really needs my attention. So the more surface, casual friendships I can let go and I’m not worried about it. But the deeper friendships are troubling. There are several people with whom I used to have a very close friendship and with all the turmoil in the past year — financial stress, increased workload, baby — I’ve let those slip. It’s not that I don’t care, I do, I just don’t seem to have the capacity to focus on someone else and their needs while still remaining productive. How much of this is being too busy and how much of it is being too self-absorbed and/or expecting too much from every day? I don’t know. *sigh*
2 Responses to “On keeping friends”
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January 30th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
I would add, “And how much of it is being pregnant and having even the usual level of stuff sometimes be too tiring…?”
I would think that the people with whom you have meaningful friendships, as opposed to superficial friendliness, would be willing to take into account the things you mention.
Knowing this about yourself is probably the most important part - rather than, say, getting irritated with someone for calling all the time and ending up giving yourself the impression that you don’t like the person.
It’s good that you recognize why it’s irritating, and can explain (if necessary) that you’re just not wired that way.
January 30th, 2007 at 10:52 pm
I keep wanting to respond to this, but I don’t know how.
You see, if I say “It’s okay, I understand,” then I come across as conceited, making the assumption that I’m one of those people with the close friendships that you’re talking about.
But then, if I don’t say anything, and I actually AM one of those people, then you think that I DON’T think that I’m one of those people. You might think that I’m highly offended, wondering why you’re not catering to my every need!
I’m sure, though, that your REAL friends understand that you’re going through a roller coaster ride of hormones and emotions and changes and challenges that will all end, and hopefully all for the better. They’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you reach back out to them whether that be next week, next month, or next year.