On the Edge of Shadow
Postpartum depression usually hits me pretty hard. I’ve been trying to keep it at bay this time and so far I’ve been pretty fortunate. However, lately I’ve been feeling a growing dread and a rising sense of despair, as if something is lurking on the edges, waiting for the chance to engulf me and send me back into the darkness. I’m fighting it. I am determined to enjoy these baby days in ways I haven’t before and my kids are my best antidote for when I start to feel down but today has been particularly hard. We have had lots of company this past week and they’re all gone now. It is nice to have things back to normal again but going from 16 people down to four has left the house feeling quite lonely and me feeling overwhelmed with all the cleaning. The place is a wreck - there are mountains of bedding and towels to wash, piles of dishes to clean, clutter to pick up, bathrooms to scrub, and floors to sweep. There’s also a pile of sewing I’ve been putting off, writing I’ve been ignoring, groceries to buy, and several overdue work projects. Not to mention, Adam needs to nurse every two hours and needs attention beyond that, the girls are out of school and want my time, and I have several friends I’ve neglected for far too long, one of whom may even be lost to me now. Added to that is the stress and worry from our legal and financial troubles and I feel like I’m on a very slippery slope. It’s almost 1:00 and I’m not showered or dressed, no one has had lunch, I have several work phone calls to return, and Adam needs to eat again. I just want to crawl back in bed.
2 Responses to “On the Edge of Shadow”
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June 26th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Keep fighting. If you feel the need, ask your doctor for help. I had horrible PPD with KJ for the first five months of his life. It was the most awful thing I ever had to deal with, and at the time I didn’t even recognize it for what it was. With Jack’s birth I was determined to not deal with it again. I forced myself to shower and to take the kids out as often as I could. I allowed the housework and any other non-pressing issues to go to hell, and I took care of myself and the kids. Thankfully I saw touches of the baby blues the second time around, but not full on PPD.
Hang in there, and handle only as much as you can. Don’t worry about reaching out to friends - they should be reaching out to you in this time! Forget the dishes, let the sewing sit. Take care of you and the baby. You’ll be through this stressful part before you know it.
Hugs.
June 27th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
*hugs* from me too.
I agree with Molly. Keep fighting.
And don’t worry about neglecting friends. If they’re truly friends, they’ll still be there for you regardless of whether or not they’ve been neglected. Most of the neglect is probably your own perception too. Real friends understand that you’re going through a time in your life right now where you need to focus on you, your baby, and the rest of your family.