Decompressing
I’m about ready for the girls to go back to school. As much as I love and adore them, this 24/7 together routine wears on me after a while. I know it’s probably due to other stresses I’m feeling and a big dose of PMS (even though I’m unlikely to have a cycle while breastfeeding, I still get the flood of hormones) but the kids are annoying the ever-loving crap out of me today. It’s not just one thing, but rather a combination of things which could probably be managed if taken separately. It’s the cracker crumbs and empty juice glasses that reappear seconds after I’ve cleaned up the kitchen. It’s the friends skulking through here to the pool and then dripping water everywhere when they come in to use the bathroom or hint for a snack. It’s the constant interruptions and demands for attention just when I get started on a project that needs doing or immersed in a good part of a book. It’s the frequent gusty sighs and complaints of “I’m bored” which are always delivered with the expectation that I will entertain them. I know when they are feeling neglected. They start acting silly – running into walls, bonking themselves on the head, yelling corny jokes in my ear. Usually I can recognize it for what it is and we’ll take some time to talk or read or do a project until everyone is feeling better. But today it seems all I can do is grind my teeth and endure it with as much diplomacy as possible. They don’t like that, they can tell when they’re being tolerated. I know I’m making it worse; I get peevish and I start nagging. I am trying not to be this way, but then I’ll be on the phone and the girls will begin talking to me, no matter how many times I’ve asked them not to interrupt. I snap at them, which makes them strike back and we end up circling each other warily all day, like a threesome of territorial cats getting ready for the showdown. And then they go to bed and I watch them sleep and am overcome with guilt for losing my patience and forgetting that I’m the adult. I’m supposed to set the tone of the day and I’m supposed to be in control of my emotions. At the very least, I should not be a contributor. They will go back to school in two weeks and I will cry and miss them and worry about them and regret this summer we’ve spent doing so little. Yes, we have a new baby and yes, we are very short of money, but I always think I could have done – should have done more. And then my brain tells me I’ve ruined their childhoods and in 20 years from now they’ll be in therapy blaming me for the way they’ve turned out and tying it all back to some time in their lives when I came up short.
3 Responses to “Decompressing”
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July 14th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Vent away, but don’t be so hard on yourself. If you’re ruining their childhoods, every mother in America is doing the same. It’s hard to occupy them at all times, period. I have yet to have a kid in school full-day. Is it shameful that I’m kinda looking forward to it?
;o)
July 14th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
I think it must be July `cus all mothers everywhere are climbing the walls and weeping. Including me. Have you seen the commercial where the guy is dancing through the rows of Staples and the music is the carol” It’s the best time of the year” and the guy is buying school supplies for back to school and his two kids are walking very slowly behind him with their heads down.Yeah, love that.
July 25th, 2007 at 8:46 am
All sounds pretty normal too me. Check my blog towards the middle of January when we are on summer hols and it is hot and my house is full of damp teens eating me out of house and home. Not to mention using every towel in the house cause they forgot theirs (convenient I think).