Too fast
The girls watched our wedding video earlier this week. They’ve seen it before, but it’s been a while and it was fun to see it through their eyes. We’ve been married 14 years so the hair is big, the dresses are dated, and the colors are not what I’d pick now. Afterward Mia disappeared to her room. I thought she was in there playing but after about 15 minutes she came out, sobbing. Not just crying, sobbing. The kind of sobbing that makes you heave and gasp. She threw herself into my arms and it was a while before she could calm down enough to tell me what was wrong. She kept mumbling it was “too fast” - time was going too fast, she was growing up too fast, everything was moving too fast. What finally came out was that she thought Dan and I were getting old too fast and she was afraid we were going to die. Pretty heavy stuff at any age but especially when you’re seven. We talked and I was able to comfort her and restore her sense of security. She hasn’t mentioned it since and I think we’re okay. For now. I remember having those same worries about my parents - the last one was about half an hour ago. To lose someone I love is one of my greatest fears, so much so that I sometimes feel myself drawing back, retreating ever so slightly to build a thin shield between them and me. I’m afraid to love them too much because when and if they leave, it will crush me. I find I cannot build a shield against my children. My heart is completely open - naked and bare and if they were to go, it would destroy me. I don’t know where I am going with this. I know these thoughts and feelings are not new to anyone reading this; I am not unique in my love or my fear. I am grateful for my faith and a belief in an afterlife. To know that I will eventually be reunited with all my loved ones is a comfort. But the “eventually” part scares me. I cannot face that gaping chasm of blank, black time that I must somehow fill while I’m waiting for the reunion to come. It is going too fast. I don’t want to write about this anymore.
4 Responses to “Too fast”
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August 24th, 2007 at 7:28 am
I used to get up in the night and ask my mum about death, probably at a similar age. I remember it very distinctly… and I’ve since apologised to her for doing it! The joy of being a parent!
August 24th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Wow, that is so hard. That was really a touching entry. Really.
August 27th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
You’re not alone. Every once in a while, I start freaking out too.
*hugs*
August 28th, 2007 at 7:59 am
Wow, thats pretty intense for a 7 year old! What is she reading? War and Peace? For Whom The Bell Toils? Got to watch more mindless catoons to cheer yourselfs up!!! ;O)