About the air conditioner
According to Google it’s 60 degrees outside today so naturally, it’s time for the air conditioning story. Yes, all you people huddled anxiously around your computers waiting for this…it’s time. This house came with a swamp cooler that blasted moist, lukewarm air in a five foot radius and contributed absolutely nothing toward cooling the rest of the place. It also dripped dirty, fetid water into the carpet, leaving a crusty, smelly ring. Charming. When we got the piano last year we realized that all this humid stink could cause problems so we contacted a friend who knew a guy who knew a guy and were hooked up with discount air conditioning service. A discount! Yay! So Chuck came and brought a shiney new air conditioner and lo, there was coolness, which I found delightful. But Dan was not pleased. Now, something you have to understand about Dan is that he’s very fussy about his environment. He comes home and immediately starts adjusting the blinds, the lighting, the temperature, etc. What has worked just fine for those of us who are here all day long is apparently unbearable to him. It’s too hot, too cold, too dark, too bright and heaven help you if you’ve messed with the blinds and they are not hanging straight and even. Not that he’s Sleeping with the Enemy neurotic. He cares not at all about bathroom towels or if the cans in the pantry are orderly, but crooked blinds drive him nuts. If you ever want to bring out the crazy, go around the house and pull on only one of the blind cords so they all hang in that crooked fan shape. Not that I’ve tried it or anything. Or you can leave change on the washer so it rattles during the spin cycle. Or you can instantly gross him out with the phrases bloody mucus and thick, mustard colored poo. It works every time. Okay, maybe he’s a little bit neurotic. And all you guys that work with him? You’re welcome. But back to the air conditioner. Dan was unhappy because apparently we were given a wimpy little unit that was too small for our house and also rattled, which is number two on his list of annoyances. I thought that this is probably what you get when you call a friend who knows a guy who knows a guy for discount air conditioners but I kept silent on the matter. Here is the offending unit. Dan is nauseous just looking at it. The final straw was during the really hot days this summer when the air conditioning ran all day and still never brought the house below about 77 degrees. Not to mention, our electric bills were HUGE. So, Dan called Chuck again and he decided to deliver a better unit. The only problem was, he was going to be in the area on a Sunday that we would be out of town. No worries, says Dan. We’ll leave the back gate unlocked and if someone can jump the fence and undo the latch, they could drop it off. This plan was fine with all involved. We got back into town Sunday night and the new air conditioner had been delivered. It. Was. Enormous. To me it looked like something that should be on the roof of a Wal-Mart, not in my backyard. Dan was very excited and called Chuck to schedule a time to hook it up. Only here’s the thing. We learned that when his assistant jumped the fence to open the gate, they were attacked by bees. Bees as in wasps. As in mean wasps. As in mean wasps who had built four nests in the crosspieces of our gate without our knowledge. So here is poor Chuck (who is not young BTW) and the other guy (never learned his name) trying to wrestle this humongous, heavy air conditioner through our gate while they are being swarmed by angry bees who were, to quote Chuck, “ripping out chunks of our flesh.” How they did it, I’ll never know. I would have dropped the stupid air conditioner toot sweet and run screaming for the car. But they are heating and cooling rock stars who fear no insect and they safely delivered our giamongous air conditioner. When Chuck came by the next day to hook it up, the first words out of my mouth were “I’m so sorry about the bees! Please don’t sue me.” He showed me his ankle and they really did take out chunks of flesh. He had dozens of scabs, all about the size of a grain of rice, which is pretty impressive if you’re a bee. Dan blasted the wasps with bee killer and left their dried corpses on the ground to show Chuck he’d been avenged and to this date, he has not sued us. And, the new air conditioner works very well. It can be 110 degrees outside and I’m in a stocking cap, slippers, and a jacket. But at least it doesn’t rattle. Hey Dan - bloody mucus!!! 
Fortunately, Chuck is in actuality a very good guy and his work came with a guarantee. Dan called him and he came and checked the unit and they had long, mysterious conversations about air flow, cold air return, and attic venting. They did some tweaking and things seemed better, but still not as great as Dan would like.
See? Big.
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